Tag Archives: Joke

A Politically Correct, Legally Non-Binding Greeting for the season

Posted on December 21, 2011 by

201012182047.jpg

Received this years ago in an email. I brush it off and share it each year, just for giggles!

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, and without prejudice or consideration, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the secular practices or religious persuasion of your choice, with respect for the secular/religious persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice secular or religious traditions at all; and also my wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada a great cultural mosaic, (not to imply that Canada is necessarily a greater cultural mosaic than any other country or is the only nation with a cultural mosaic), and without regard to the gender, nationality, race, creed, colour, age, height, weight, intelligence, voting preference, physical ability, food preference, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you also accept and agree to these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wisher accepts no responsibility for any unintended emotional and/or physical discomfort, disruption or stress these greetings may bring to those not subject to societally sanctioned or unsanctioned seasonal emotions, beliefs or traditions.

201012182047.jpg

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Antimatter Found Orbiting Earth—The next health or weight loss product?!? ;-)

Posted on August 11, 2011 by

Antimatter Found Orbiting Earth—A First.

Now how long do you think it will be before some entrepreneurial snake oil salesman will offer an elixir of antiprotons, call it aromatherapy or ‘Anti-Herbal Magic’, and sell it to unsuspecting people as some crazy concoction to provide good health or as a weight loss product?!? 😉

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Essential Vocabulary for every cubicle dweller

Posted on May 13, 2011 by

Borrowed from Cubicle Jock.

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10.SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

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Another Canadian First… Copper Wire?

Posted on April 5, 2011 by

Received from a Facebook Friend…

***

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be out done by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, Canadian Dept. of Mines and Resources in Northern Canada reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Canada in the Northern Ontario region of Thunder Bay, a self-taught archaeologist, reported he found absolutely f— all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.”

Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, don’t it! 🙂

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The Philosopher’s Song

Posted on January 11, 2011 by

The Philosopher’s Song
(from Monty Python’s Flying Circus)
Oh….Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable


Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table


David Hume could out-consume
Willhelm Freidrich Hegel


And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel


There’s nothing Nietzche couldn’t teach ya
‘Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed


John Stuart Mill of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill


Plato they say, could stick it away
Half a crate of whisky every day


Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram


And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart
“I drink, therefore I am.”


Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed…
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he’s pissed.
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A Politically Correct, Legally Non-Binding Greeting for the season

Posted on December 18, 2010 by

201012182047.jpg

Received this years ago in an email. I brush it off and share it each year, just for giggles!

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, and without prejudice or consideration, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the secular practices or religious persuasion of your choice, with respect for the secular/religious persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice secular or religious traditions at all; and also my wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada a great cultural mosaic, (not to imply that Canada is necessarily a greater cultural mosaic than any other country or is the only nation with a cultural mosaic), and without regard to the gender, nationality, race, creed, colour, age, height, weight, intelligence, voting preference, physical ability, food preference, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you also accept and agree to these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wisher accepts no responsibility for any unintended emotional and/or physical discomfort, disruption or stress these greetings may bring to those not subject to societally sanctioned or unsanctioned seasonal emotions, beliefs or traditions.

201012182047.jpg

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Politics (joke)

Posted on September 15, 2010 by

(an old one, but still a good one!)

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny…

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’

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Technical Support #joke #rofl

Posted on March 18, 2010 by

(oldie but goodie I received from my friend Melody and decided was worth sharing)

***

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as SPORTS 5.0, NEWS 3.0 and HOCKEY 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Exasperated Wife

***
Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter site: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2..0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please also note that Beer 6.1 will also download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.  
We recommend:  Cooking 3.0 and  Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

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Replacement Windows (Joke)

Posted on February 18, 2010 by

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Hellloooo,………..just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It’s been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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The Mistress

Posted on February 6, 2010 by

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that??”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

Who’s that woman with Sam?” asks the wife.

That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies…

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