Tag Archives: Jokes

The spoon #joke #rofl

Posted on April 28, 2010 by

Received via email, I know its old, but still, too funny not to share.

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, "Steve’s Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."  I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!"  Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the bathroom.  By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon…"

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ECONOMIC STIMULUS PROGRAM FOR CANADIANS

Posted on April 20, 2010 by

Received in an email and had to share…

***

This is an exciting new program, explained with the Q and A format:

Q.  What is an Economic Stimulus payment ?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.  Where will the government get this money ?
A.  From taxpayers.

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A.  Only a smidgen.

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
A.  The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A.  Shut up.

Below are tips on how to help the Canadian economy, by spending your stimulus money wisely:
  *   If you spend it at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
  *   If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Middle East.
  *   If you purchase a computer, it will go to Taiwan and/or India.
  *   If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala (some to Arnold in California)
  *   If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or South Korea.
  *   If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
  *   If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep your money in Canada by:
  1.  Spending it at yard sales, or
  2.  Going to hockey games, or
  3.  Spending it on prostitutes, or
  4.  Beer, or ??
  5.  Tattoos

These are the only “Canadian owned” businesses still operating in Canada.

As for me? I think I’m going to go see a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale, and we’re going to drink lots of beer!  🙂

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Blonde Jokes

Posted on April 8, 2010 by

I know, not new and not politically correct, but still funny! (not to mention I used to be blonde…)

Two blondes living in Oklahoma  were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away…. Florida or the moon?"  

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"  

CAR TROUBLE 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. 

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

She says, "What’s the story?" 

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor.." 

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" 

SPEEDING TICKET 
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" 

RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" 

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." 

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you? 

"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde." 

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." 

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! 

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" 

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!" 

BLONDE ON THE SUN 
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" 

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"  

The Blonde said, "So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!" 

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  "You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!" 

IN A VACUUM 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" 

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" 

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! 
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" 

"HELLLOOOOOOO……," answered the blond….  "They’re watch dogs!"

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Technical Support #joke #rofl

Posted on March 18, 2010 by

(oldie but goodie I received from my friend Melody and decided was worth sharing)

***

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as SPORTS 5.0, NEWS 3.0 and HOCKEY 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Exasperated Wife

***
Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter site: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2..0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please also note that Beer 6.1 will also download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.  
We recommend:  Cooking 3.0 and  Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

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Password Audit

Posted on March 9, 2010 by

Received this in an email from Rob S. Too funny not to share!

During a recent corporate password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOttawa"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told her password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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Replacement Windows (Joke)

Posted on February 18, 2010 by

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Hellloooo,………..just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It’s been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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The Mistress

Posted on February 6, 2010 by

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that??”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

Who’s that woman with Sam?” asks the wife.

That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies…

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Vatican Humour…

Posted on January 23, 2010 by

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.


‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’


‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning..

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘ A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

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Response from a woman as to what happens inside her head…

Posted on January 22, 2010 by

And just to prove how different men and woman are, here is what goes on in a woman’s head:

***

<Beginning of the evening>

I wonder what I should do tonight?

Hmm, I’m hungry, but I really shouldn’t eat anything because I feel fat today?

Ugh, that girl in the commercial has big ones…They are SO fake!

Rats, I’m craving chips…

Wow, I would love to <insert more conservative type verb> that <insert name of man seen on TV here>… he is so hot!  But he’d never go for a girl like me.  Why can’t I be famous?

Hey, pizza in the back of the fridge! With blue/green stuff on it…how could I have left that there for a whole week! … I must use a very strong cleaner to help kill anything bad…

Damnit, a big <Ultimate Fighting / Hockey / Baseball / Football / Curling / Ice Fishing / Tiddlywinks> match is on TV this weekend, I’ll have to go shopping instead!

Hmm, all chick flicks tonight… Sweet…

Wow, that <insert name of man seen on TV here> hasn’t aged well… I sure hope I age well…

Hmm, kind of bored here by myself…

I wonder what <insert random guy’s name here who she once “got with” and who still lives within 100 km> is doing lately? Thank god I dumped him, he was such a loser, I’m so better off without him…maybe I’ll check if he’s on Facebook anyway.  I’m sure whoever ended up with him is much uglier than I am.

“Hello? Hi <insert friend’s name here>, what’s up? Do you remember so and so, back from high school…Well guess what he’s been up to lately…blah, blah…

CHOOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING RESPONSES (from friend):

· OMG you were so too good for him!

· He was such a loser and didn’t deserve you!

· He married who?  Oh she’s such a tramp…!

· Want to go for coffee then out shopping?

· Etc…

***

I like to keep balanced coverage on my blog… 🙂

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Inside a young, single man’s head…

Posted on January 22, 2010 by

Created in response to a request from some female friends who were recently flabbergasted by a guy’s actions and for some reason asked me what goes on inside a man’s head!

Since I am older, wiser, and much more mature, my own thoughts would not be relevant, so I thought I would provide a sample printed entry of a young male’s brain patterns…

***

<Beginning of the evening>

I wonder what is on TV tonight?

Hmm, I’m hungry, wonder if there are potato chips?

Hey, that girl in the commercial has nice big ones…

Rats, no chips…

Wow, I would love to <insert crude slang verb> that <insert name of woman seen on TV here>… I bet she would really dig me!

Hey, pizza in the back of the fridge! That blue/green stuff on this week-old pizza doesn’t look too bad… Besides, the alcohol in the beer will help kill anything bad…

Cool, a big <Ultimate Fighting / Hockey / Baseball / Football / Curling / Ice Fishing / Tiddlywinks> match is on TV this weekend, I’ll have to PVR that!

Hmm, is that all there is on TV is chick flicks tonight??? Wait, I see Mythbusters at 8 PM and World’s Largest Guns at 9 PM… OK, we’re set!

Wow, that <insert name of woman just seen on TV here> hasn’t aged well… I’d still love to hook up with her though, but only if she asked nicely! (mwahahaha, I’m so funny!)

Hmm, kind of bored here by myself, feeling kind of horny…

<REPEAT THIS PART UNTIL SUCCESSFUL>

I wonder what <insert random girl’s name here who he once ‘got with’ and who still lives within 100 km range> is doing tonight? Wonder if she dumped that guy yet or is just ready for some real fun?

“Hello? Hi <insert girl’s name here>, what’s up? Just wondering what you were up to tonight… Oh, you are busy: “

CHOOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING RESPONSES:

· Getting sized for that wedding dress?

· Going to an AA meeting?

· Having dinner with your priest?

· Washing your hair?

· Etc…

“Well, so I guess that means you aren’t interested in coming over for a little <insert crude slang verb> with me tonight…? OK, well, have fun at <the item mentioned>”

<LATER, after eventually successfully finding someone>

“Oh <insert ‘lucky’ girl’s name here>, I miss you so much! It has been too long since we did something together! Can’t wait until you get here! Can you pick up some potato chips  on the way over?

***

By the way, while many men are like this, I, of course, am not nor ever was, I just heard stories… 🙂

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